With ‘Former Fetterman Staffers’ ghosting X, we take matters into our own hands

As the political world waited … and waited … with bated breath to see what juicy information former staffers for U.S. Sen. John Fetterman promised to reveal about the controversial senator this week, that got us thinking: Since the vaunted and much-anticipated drop from the Former Fetterman Staffers X account detailing even more of the state’s senior senator’s bad behavior appears to be as hard to find as Fetterman in the Senate chambers after roll call, what kind of details would we like to see them reveal?

He is a Ravens fan

Perhaps nothing would hurt Fetterman’s approval numbers in Western Pennsylvania more than a shocking revelation that he is, in fact, a fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers' most hated division rival.

His Wawa Rewards total is higher than his My Sheetz Rewardz

Fetterman has long been a cheerleader for Sheetz, the Altoona-based gas station that offers an array of sandwiches, fried foods and other convenience store cuisine – he even participated in a City & State debate on the issue. But no one can resist the Sizzli specials, c’mon. Maybe the former Fetterman staffers planned to reveal that his loyalties really lay with Wawa. Food for thought.

When he dips out of the Senate early, it’s to work as a rideshare driver

As a way to keep his driving skills sharp following some high-profile incidents, he gets behind the wheel regularly to provide non-public transportation.

He relaxes at home in a bespoke suit

Every day is Casual Friday for Fetterman, whose uniform of a hoodie, shorts and sneakers – as iconic, at this point, as Anna Wintour’s bob and sunglasses – actually prompted the U.S. Senate to vote to relax its dress code in 2023. And nearly as unthinkable as Wintour in a hoodie is Fetterman in formalwear – but some of us are tickled at the image of a secretly dapper dad in dandy duds. 

Levi Fetterman is behind the staffers account

Remember when Fetterman’s rescue dog, Levi Fetterman, had an active social media presence with thousands of followers and regularly posted to Twitter … er, X? Maybe he was using the “former staffers” account to renegotiate how many servings of the Farmer’s Dog he gets each day.

He is still thrown by scrapple

He knows it’s not Taylor pork roll, but he’s too afraid to ask exactly what it is at this point - and don’t get him started on Lebanon bologna!

He’s secretly a Chabad rabbi

His deep passion for all things Israel makes more sense when you consider his parallel secret career as a Hasidic man of the cloth. As do his frequent absences from his day job – all those holidays, prayers and kosher preparations take time.